genderfluidity:

To clarify, I’m having trouble writing out how he came to realize he was genderfluid (since most all people usually start out thinking they’re just like everyone else, you know?)

Okay, so we get a lot of these questions, and I find them hard to answer.  I’m going to give it a try though.  Here, for all of you wondering, are my general tips for writing genderfluid characters:

• There is a lot of variety among genderfluid people! Some switch names, some don’t; some switch pronouns, some don’t; some switch presentation, some don’t.  We have different kinds and degrees and presence/absence of dysphoria, same for medical transition, same for social transition.  Some of us switch between two genders, some between many, some rapidly, some slowly, some regularly, some unpredictably.  For some the switch is very noticeable, for some not; for some it’s sudden, for some it’s gradual.  Some switch between male and female, others between different genders.  It’s okay for your character to be any of these things, but don’t set them up as the Genderfluid Person Prototype.  It would be good to acknowledge within the narrative that there exists a lot of variety and not every genderfluid person is like your character.
• Many genderfluid people identify as trans, but some don’t.  All, however, have access to the term.  Don’t confuse “trans” with “binary trans”.
• Do research on trans and nonbinary and genderfluid stuff: terminology, politics, lives, problems, ideas.  Not just from here.  From a lot of sources.  Make sure you’re clear on the definition of genderfluid and the difference from other labels—there can be and often is overlap, but you need to understand the differences first. And don’t allow your narrative to be cissexist unchallenged.
• Have a trans, ideally nonbinary, ideally genderfluid person read over your story and offer criticism and suggestions.  Even more ideally, have more than one do so.
• Remember not every genderfluid person is white/skinny/dfab/western etc. 
• You could have more than one trans/nonbinary/genderfluid person, if you wanted!  Go wild!
• Is your character dmab or dfab (or possibly intersex)?  Are you going to clarify this in the narrative, or keep it hidden?  You have various options here, and there are advantages to each.  Decide and figure out how you’re going to deal with that.
• Don’t equate changes in presentation with changes in gender.  They may be correlated for your character, but they’re not the same, and your narrative should acknowledge that.
• If your character is closeted, that doesn’t mean you have to misgender them in the narration.  Again, there’s variety here.  Someone might be fully aware of their gender but not out to anyone, but still use pronouns in their head that make them comfy—if it’s from their perspective, you should use those pronouns.  Or they might not be aware of their gender—there are a lot of directions you could go for pronoun usage in this scenario.  Or they might be trying out different pronouns inside their head.  Or they might not be out to themself but still find themself using different pronouns.  To be honest, it’s kind of gimmicky and gross to do the whole, narrate using pronouns associated with assigned gender until they realize or come out or change presentation or transition somehow, then make a dramatic pronoun switch—especially if you, the writer, are a cis person. I would avoid that.  And to be honest, if you’re narrating from their point of view and they have a fully developed pronoun preference, there’s really no excuse for your narration to misgender them, regardless of if they’re closeted.  (Other characters’ dialogue, of course, is a different matter.)  If you’re trans, there’s a little more leeway.  But be careful here, and be respectful.  Don’t use pronoun changes for shock value, and don’t use being closeted as an excuse to misgender them just because it’s more comfortable for you. (This point is slightly different with genderfluid characters than other nonbinary or trans characters, but it still applies.  If pronoun switching is happening, it should probably be because their identity is switching.)
• We get kind of lonely.  Does your character know any other trans/nonbinary/genderfluid people?  Any internet friends?  Any support groups?  If not, again, they’re probably feeling pretty lonely.
• We don’t pop out of the womb knowing everything there is to know about gender.  There’s generally a lot of research and thought involved, if we’re at the point where we know what we are and what it means.
• Take into account cultural factors.  Two people from different cultures and/or time periods will probably have different experiences, conceptualizations, and expressions of their gender.
• Make sure that your character has traits and interests other than their gender.  It’s more important to some of us and less to others, but we’re all full people that exist beyond being genderfluid.
• Is your story realism or fantasy?  If it’s fantasy, is there transphobia and cissexism in your fictional world?  It doesn’t need to be the focus, but I think it’s a good idea to at least acknowledge that transphobia/etc is a thing in our/the world.
• I feel like I’m forgetting something but I can’t think of it.

As for your specific question, again, there’s a lot of variety.  Personally, I had a sudden epiphany in which I realized I wasn’t my assigned gender, then I went and did a ton of research and introspection over a few months to a year to understand the specifics.  I know many people start out using one type of trans label, and cycle between others until they find one that works.  Often people encounter someone else who’s trans/nonbinary/genderfluid, feel a sense of recognition/identification, and realize they’re like that too.  Or that could happen through some other source—a character, a news article, etc.  Sometimes people know something’s up and gradually figure out it’s to do with their gender, and what the specifics are.  Some people have always been aware of their gender doing A Thing, and how that thing works, and eventually find the words for it.  Some people notice odd characteristics/preferences/behaviors in themselves that confuse them, so they do some research and come across these terms and ideas.  Those are just a few ways people can realize.

Does anyone else have any thoughts or advice?

-Riam