I haven’t had a good rant in a while and I just saw a post that pissed me off so here we go.
It infuriates me whenever an anti calls a sha/ad1n ship “pedophilia.”
Literally use any other word. There are a lot of words that can describe discomfort with those age gaps. Here’s a few examples:
- predatory
- inappropriate
- creepy
- weird
- uncomfortable
I understand that the idea of a 25 year old dating someone 18 or younger (16 or 17) squicks people out. I really do. In most cases, it squicks me out too. There have to be certain non-creepy circumstances for age gaps like that to be okay.
So what makes an age gap relationship predatory/inappropriate/creepy? Lots of things.
- If the older person only wants to date them for a physical/sexual relationship.
- If the older person only wants to date them because they’re younger and easy to take advantage of.
- If the older person doesn’t have approval of the younger person’s family.
- If, not getting approval, the older person isolates the younger from their family and friends.
- If the older person does not allow the younger to pursue individual interests/life stepping stones, i.e. not allowing them to go to school or get a job or have hobbies, so the younger is forced to be dependent on the older.
- If there’s an additional power imbalance (i.e. a teacher and student, or a boss and employee, etc)
If none of these things are happening, the relationship is probably okay. You can think it’s gross all you want, but it’s not necessarily predatory just because of an age gap. Predatory actions make a relationship predatory.
The reason I get so upset when ant1s call Sha/ad1n ships, particularly She1th, pedophilia is because my parents met at similar ages.
My parents started dating at 16 and 23. And there was nothing creepy or predatory about it.
First of all, this was back in the 70s/80s, when it was a little more common, I’ll admit that. My parents grew up in the same neighborhood, so they had mutual friends. My dad never did anything against my mom’s parents’ wishes. In fact they loved him and approved of him (and vise-versa). My dad never tried to isolate my mom from her friends. One of my mom’s best friends at the time is still one of her best friends now. My mom graduated high school and went to community college with my dad’s full support. My mom started working in her own career, doing her own thing. My mom played sports at the YMCA with her friends on weekends. My dad supported her all the time, with whatever she wanted to do. They dated for over 12 years before they got married. And then when they got married… they moved into a house in the same neighborhood they grew up in! My mom was literally only one mile away from her parents. And now they’re been married for over 26 years. They’re not perfect, they argue sometimes. But my dad, despite being older than my mom, is not and never has been a predator.
Meanwhile, another one of my mom’s friends married a man 10 years younger than her. And guess what? He’s an abusive jerk!
My 6-year-old self got bad vibes from him the moment I met this man at their wedding. Now years later, I realized he reminds me of Hans from Frozen, and we know how Hans turned out. My mom’s friend constantly vents to my mom about how her husband treats her poorly, disregards her feelings and all that. My dad went to an event with the both of them once, and when he came home, I asked how it went and he immediately said “(her husband)’s an ass.”
But yeah, it’s always the older one who’s the abusive predator, right antis?
I’ll give another example of an age gap relationship that, in my opinion, is borderline predatory because of the above bullet points. This couple are public figures too so you may know them: the Youtubers 0nision and his spouse Laineyb0t.
Quick rundown of this couple if you’re unfamiliar: a few years ago, 27 year old 0nision started talking to 17 year old Laineyb0t, a fan of his. The two dated and married soon after La1ney (who now goes by “they/them” pronouns) turned 18. I believe they got married secretly and La1ney’s parents were unaware, they thought La1ney was away attending college. 0nision moved La1ney out of their home state to his state. Not long after that, La1ney got pregnant. They’ve been married for like 6 years now and have 2 kids. Problem is their relationship is… tumultuous. 0nision chronicles their personal lives on his Youtube channel. It’s… too much to summarize. Their relationship drama rivals telenovelas.
But I get very bad vibes from 0nision, as do many others. First of all, he seems to have a penchant for younger girls. His girlfriend before La1ney was also a 17 year old. A couple years ago, he and La1ney tried to bring in a 18/19-year-old girlfriend into their relationship. He’s in his 30s now so it’s a little eyebrow-raising. He also comes off as a very manipulative person (he’s even kind of admitted to manipulating his spouse during drama with their girlfriend).
Additionally, imo, it’s kind of immoral to date a fan. There’s a power imbalance there. Of course any 17 year old is gonna jump at the chance to date/marry their Youtube idol. Seems as though he took advantage of that fact and “trapped” La1ney, so to speak. If someone meets and falls for a fan naturally, I think they should take their relationship slow and not rush into things. Yet 0nision did the opposite, married them soon after he could legally do so and got them pregnant. All while not having their family’s approval. He continues to isolate them from their family too, I believe he said once that “La1ney only sees their family twice a year.” Past girlfriends have also said that 0nision seemed almost eager to get them away from their families. I could go on and on, there are whole blogs that keep track of 0nision’s controlling behavior. It’s just… bad vibes, man. Bad vibes.
There is a stark difference between my parents’ relationship and 0nision and Laineyb0t’s relationship. The only similarity is that there’s an age gap. Besides that, the motives and behaviors of the older person in these two relationships are drastically different.
0nision seems to have textbook controlling/manipulative/(possibly predatory) behaviors.
My dad does not.
You know who else doesn’t have predatory/abusive behaviors? Shiro.
Just because there’s an age gap, doesn’t mean it’s automatically abusive or predatory. Abusive/predatory actions and behaviors make a relationship abusive/predatory. Why can antis apply this logic to fictional ships? Leave shippers alone and stop calling every ship you’re uncomfy with “pedophilia” or “predatory” or “abusive,” especially if the characters are not that at all.
Tbh I feel like saying that not having parents’ approval is predatory is… questionable. First of all, I love my parents, but it’s reeeeally not up to them to decide who I date. I would certainly listen to their opinion if they didn’t like my partner, but ultimately it’s my decision. And I have perfectly good relationship with my parents! What about people who don’t? What about people with abusive parents? What about queer teens with homophobic families? Also, plenty of teenagers date other teenagers without family’s approval, I don’t think this is much different.
Isolating your partner from their family is predatory and abusive, yes (and this applies even when there’s no age gap). But I really don’t think you need parents’ permission to date someone.
(I completely agree with everything else you said, I’m just being nitpicky, which is… a common accurence with me)
That’s a good point. I didn’t even take into account queer teens or teens with overbearing/overly-controlling parents.
For sure, if someone close to you, someone that you love and trust, another family member or a best friend, has some uncertainties about this person you want to date, take their concerns into consideration. But of course, it’s ultimately the person’s decision on who they date.
Also I guess I meant more in the reverse like: if there’s an age gap, and the older person has the acceptance of the younger’s family and friends, then it’s usually okay (excluding extreme cases where parents are trying to illegally marry off their kid or something like that).
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