I really think hospitals and doctors that work with pregnancy and pediatricians need to make more literature available for how to, ya know, work with kids? Because the more conversations we have about spanking (and how it’s ineffective and harmful and does more bad than good), the more I realize that a lot of people don’t know the alternatives. Or like, anything about child development or where misbehavior stems from.
So, as someone who went through childhood development classes in college, works with kids for a living, and knows multiple people who specialized in childhood education, here are some pointers when you are working with kids:
1. Model emotional response for kids. Children are learning how to recognize and respond to their own emotions. All the way up through high school, children’s brains are still developing, and the emotions they are learning to process become more complex. So with really young kids, the easiest way to help them with this is to model emotional self awareness and self care.
- “Oh wow, mommy is feeling angry because the cat made a mess. I’m going to clean this mess and then go sit in my room in the quiet for a short break so I feel better.”
- “You know, I am feeling very sad about not going to the park because it is raining. I bet some hot chocolate and a book would make me feel better.”
- ”Huh, I’m feeling kind of cranky and hungry, but daddy won’t be home for dinner for another hour. I bet I’ll feel better if I eat a little piece apple while we wait.”
2. Understand what causes child frustration and work to preempt it.
- -Transitions (from one activity to another, getting in the car, etc) can be stressful, especially if the activity or location they are leaving is fun. Give kids a warning when this is going to happen. With young kids, give them about 5-15 minutes of warning (”10 minutes until we are going to leave the park and go home. Do your last thing.”), with older kids, just give them a time frame. (We are can play at McDonalds for 30 minutes, but then we have to go grocery shopping, ok?)
- Not being able to communicate what they want to is frustrating. Babies can learn simplified baby sign language months before they are verbal. Kids may not know the words for what they are trying to say. Be patient and help them find the right words. On a similar note, don’t ignore kids. If you really can’t respond to their question right away because of something else, at least tell the “Yes, I heard your question. I’ll answer you as soon as I’m done talking on the phone.”
- Not being able to make choices or having too much choice can be overwhelming. Give kids a limited, reasonable selection of choices. “Do you want apple slices or juicy pears on the side for lunch?” is much better than “What do you want with your sandwich?” or just giving them apple slices. “Do you want to give grandpa a hug or a high five?” is better than demanding they hug grandpa right away.
3. Understand that kids are people to. They will get hungry, tired, an annoyed just like adults do. Sometimes you have to be flexible and give them time to self care. Talk to them, explain things to them, let them be people and not just dolls. “Because I said so” is really unhelpful for a growing kid. “We can’t buy Fruit Loops today because we are already getting Frosted Flakes. We only need one cereal at a time.” is going to do you a lot more favors. “Don’t pick up the glass snow globe. It belongs to grandma and can break easy. She would be sad if we broke it on accident.” is better than “don’t touch that.”
And look, no parent is perfect. No baby sitter, no teacher, no care taker is going to be awesome all the time. And no kid is going to be perfect. They will cry and have tantrums, and not be able to tell you what they need, and be stubborn sometimes. Sometimes they need space, or quiet time. Sometimes they need attention and validation.
But kids learn from every interaction they have, so adults need to make the effort to show all the love, and patience, and empathy, and thoughtfulness we want them to learn.
Tag: parenting
My Daughter, The Jock
Oh no, I’m crying.
This is one of my favorite things about being a parent: how you learn things that you might not have had to otherwise. That’s the thing about it–yes, I love my daughter and she is the focus of my parenting goals, but my experiences with her have helped me learn and grow in ways I never expected, and I’m grateful.
I just finished babysitting my friend’s children, and she has most definitely mastered the no spanking/alternative discipline route. I always talk about taking it because I don’t believe in abusing children, but I’ve never personally seen it in action by a Black parent. Her children are 2 and 5 and they are the kindest, nicest toddlers I’ve ever met. They listen to her because she’s their mom and they automatically recognize she’s important and she gives them what they want (love and affection and rewards). In return they like to clean for her and give her artwork and cuddles all of the time.
To get them to listen to her, she makes sure to listen to them and what they’ve got to say instead of telling them to shut up all the time. The 5 year old asked her a few months ago why you can’t eat food that was on the floor after picking up food on the floor, and she explained it calmly and clearly. He asked 4 other questions after that and she answered all of them. He was satisfied and happy with the answers, and ever since he hasn’t done those things. She lets them gush and gush about Hot Wheels or Team Umizoomi and engages with them and counts with them and everything, so they never feel alone or neglected enough to not want to obey.
My friend lets them make mistakes by themselves on the rare chance they don’t listen so they can learn from them and let that be punishment enough. For example, the younger one we’ve been telling not to go near the dog cage because he doesn’t like dogs. He went near it a while ago, got his hand licked, freaked out, and hasn’t been anywhere near it since. The board on the wall that she uses has a column for each boy horizontally, and vertically are all the traits she wants them to have, like being nice, listening to her and their teachers, eating their food, cleaning up, having manners, etc. They get a sticker whenever they do it for the day, and they lose all their stickers when they break a habit. That’s enough punishment for them, so they don’t break it.
When they wake up, it’s cleanup time, or bedtime, she plays what she calls “musical habits”. She puts on a playlist of their favorite songs (it’s like 20-25 minutes) that make them feel motivated, and they should be finished getting ready or cleaning by the time the last song is over. If they’re not, they get a toy from their toy bin taken away or an Oreo from their snack bag taken out (aka eaten by her). But she hasn’t ever gotten to that because they always finish. They don’t even like hearing the consequences lol. And I just wanted to say I really enjoyed seeing good parenting by a Black woman that wasn’t abusive or harmful to the child’s development, it gave me inspiration and hope. Just had to talk about it somewhere.
THIS IS GOOD WHOLESOME PARENTING
I now see why I struggled with showing my interests to my parents when I was a kid.
I’m listening to my cousin going on about Fortnite. The kid adores the game and is talking about the battle pass and he how hopes to get it later on today.
My mum just flatly says she doesn’t know what that means and has told him to hurry up as they go through the door, not giving my cousin any wiggle room to explain what it means. Fortnite is special to him, he wants to talk about it, he wants to engage but how can he when at that moment, the adult he’s talking to shuts him down?
Why can’t some people just take a damn minute to listen, REALLY listen to what kids are saying? He’ll now sit in the car in complete silence because his aunt isn’t interested in what he likes.
I’m not saying everyone has to be a fountain of knowledge for things like that. Hell, you don’t have to like what another person’s into but for the love of god, at least TRY and give it a go in understanding why it’s so important to that person.
“Oooh, that sounds neat! Tell me about it?” Is one of the best things you can say to a kid. (Or an author.) It matters less that you understand it than it does that they are allowed- are *encouraged*- to explain it
i pay attention to those ^ kinds of interactions bc parent-child conversation is such a foreign concept to me.
I know this probably isn’t the platform where I’ll reach the most parents, but I think that if we viewed a child’s ‘failures’ as failures on other people’s part to help, kids would be so much better off.
I saw a mother brag about how she took her twelve year old’s phone away for four months until their grades came up… but got angry when people asked what OTHER methods she used to help the child.
Was she sitting down and helping the child with their homework? Was she asking if there was something going on in the child’s school life that was making things harder? Trying to help her study? Actually teaching the child to self-regulate and prioritize tasks? Helping the child keep up with due dates and taking them to study groups?
No, nothing. Just punishing the kid for not doing well, without anything else. Of course the mom was real defensive, even though no one was even judging her—it was other parents interested and seeing if the mom had tips and tricks to make it work! And then it came out that the child had been being bullied in school, leading to their grades slipping. Nothing to do with the phone to begin with.
But the mother saw the child’s grades as simply a reflection of some character flaw, instead of approaching it from a perspective of ‘what can I do to help this child do better?’
hot take for men
if you have kids, you should make a point to keep up with how they’re doing in school, who their friends are, what they like to eat, what they can’t eat, their medications and why/when/how they take them, their daily routines, what their chores are and if they need any help with them, the interests that are important to them, the things they struggle with, etc., etc.
you should have a rough idea of when your kid will need new glasses,
when their last dental appointment was, how long they’ve been
complaining about certain symptoms, what their usual mood is like at different times of the day so you NOTICE when something is wrong.you should know how to listen to them and encourage them and you need to learn how to teach skills and good habits and motivate without instilling fear. you should know what makes them feel better when they’re sick and how to comfort them when they’re afraid or angry or sad.
if you’re the parent of an infant, you should make a point to learn how to tell what your baby needs. if they use formula, you should know what kind. you should know their nappy/diaper size and what products (powder/ointment/etc.) keep their bottom happy.
you should also be keeping track of when things your kid needs are running low, and making sure they are gotten in a timely manner.
if your children are members of oppressed groups you’re not part of – if you have a daughter, or a trans child and you’re cis, or an autistic child and you’re allistic, or a racialized child and you’re white, etc. – you need to take the time to research, to read what adults who share that trait say your kid needs. you need to actively support your child and help shield them from the hatred and enforced roles they will receive elsewhere.
these are the kinds of things a good parent does. you should not get a pass on being a good parent just because you’re a dude and you “don’t understand/aren’t good at that stuff”. this excuse is incredibly common and it is unacceptable.
women read parenting books, go on forums, talk to doctors, join parenting groups, ask other parents questions, and spend time with their children. we are not born with childcare knowledge any more than you are; it is work to learn these things. sometimes you will mess up. that is part of the learning process; it does not mean you “just don’t get that kind of thing” and should never have to do it again.
not only is it unfair to expect the women in your life to shoulder this work alone, but it is unfair to your children to be in their lives AS a parent but not do parenting work. Your kids need you. They need you to step up and LEARN to do the work that you haven’t been expected to do before.
Do you know how many people grow up and just… don’t have relationships with their fathers? maybe you don’t, either. it’s not always because these fathers were violent or mean or hateful. Sometimes it’s because they just never bothered to be parents or build a good relationship with their child. Don’t let your kids go through that. Don’t make them grow up with a mostly uninvolved stranger for a father.
And if you are not willing to do all this work, maybe you should plan to not have children, and take steps to make sure that you don’t. It isn’t acceptable to make a choice to bring a new human being into the world and take on a parenting role, then be around them only as a stranger.
There are different standards for motherhood and fatherhood, and that hurts children. What we think of as “motherhood” is mostly just good parenting for any gender, with extra dashes of self sacrifice because we expect women to be sole providers of certain kinds of work and care.
If you want to figure out if you’re being a good parent, put yourself in your child’s shoes and imagine you are their mother, not their father. Would you be happy with a mom who was only willing to put in the amount of work you do?
There are a bunch of guys in the notes who think I’m painting with too broad a brush by addressing this to “men” and not to “deadbeat dads”.
Here’s the thing, though: the societal standards for fatherhood are such that you can avoid doing literally all of the very basic work listed above and still be considered a pretty decent dad.
If you live with your kids or arrange regular visitation and are in the same room with them from time to time and talk to them casually without ever being abusive, most people will figure you’re doing a decent job. To be a deadbeat most people figure you have to completely abandon them or not pay part of their bills. Hell, you can even be abusive and people will say “Well at least he’s not a deadbeat! He does pay child support.”
I’m not saying you guys are ALL doing the bare minimum, but we do have this pervasive fiction that dads are supposed to do different things to mums, that there are two separate roles and one of them involves keeping up with day-to-day details and helping the kid with their emotional growth and basic needs, while the other involves making money, being kinda distant and occasionally “babysitting” or Teaching You Things About Cars/Camping/Other Man Stuff.
And it’s not fair. It’s not fair to anyone involved – the mothers who do extra work, the kids who don’t get to really know their dads, or the fathers who miss out on the full joys and complexities of parenthood.
This post isn’t MEANT for “deadbeat dads”. This post is meant for dads who genuinely want to be good parents but live in a society that tells them being a good parent is different for men. This post is a gentle encouragement to see your role in your children’s lives as bigger and more important, every bit as significant as a mother’s role and requiring every bit as much work.
You can get defensive, or you can look around and see if there are things you’ve been leaving for others to do because no one has ever expected that you would be interested in that part of your child’s life.
It’s very, very likely that the women in your life have been quietly doing things you didn’t even know needed to be done for your kids, because they, too, have just assumed that a man wouldn’t want to do that part of parenting. It takes proactive work to take back the parts of parenthood that society has not assigned to you – but it’s rewarding work and it will make your relationship with your kids so much stronger and more meaningful.
i'll apple your turnover 