Secondhand embarrassment stems from self-hatred – you’ve been punished or have punished yourself for behaviors the other person is exhibiting, and you have to a greater or lesser extent accepted that that punishment was correct and deserved. This means that other people deserve the same kind of corrective action and it bothers you when it’s not enforced.
Fighting secondhand embarrassment therefore involves interrogating your own past. What did you do that this person is reminding you of? What happened to you as a result? Did you actually deserve it? What motivations did the other people involved have for correcting your behavior, and were they justified in doing so?
If you are able to develop empathy for your past self – an understanding that either you couldn’t have known better or that the correction you got from others was disproportionate or entirely unnecessary – you will be better able to direct that empathy at others. The root of all shame is your own shame and the root of all sympathy is the ability to forgive yourself.
you’re absolutely right- I am extremely self-aware. Maybe I was always that way to some extent, but I’ve become more and more that way over time through intentional practice. Self-monitoring is such a key part of coping and mental health. There are a couple of specific things I like to do when self-monitoring negative mood:
1. I play the “is this a BIG deal?” game. The game is pretty obvious: I decide whether whatever’s going on is a big deal, a medium deal, or a small deal. If it’s a small deal, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter or I can’t be upset. It’s a great way to validate: “yes, it’s a small deal, but it’s still a deal.” and then refocus my thoughts elsewhere. If it’s a medium deal or a big deal, then I can still validate and ask myself if there’s anything I can do about it right now. If yes, then I try to do it. If no, then I decide whether I should try to refocus or whether I need some time to decompress. So many things are a small deal, and keeping that in mind helps me not let those things overwhelm me.
2. I ask myself “what would I do if I was in a good mood?” Like many people, my instinct during a bad mood is to cater to that mood. The problem is that it can become a self-fulfilling cycle: the things I want to do during a bad mood often just perpetuate the bad mood, while the things I want to do during a good mood can perpetuate the good mood. So by checking to see what I would do if everything was the same, except that I was in a good mood, I can make sure I’m making the best choice for myself in that situation.
here’s a reminder that if you aren’t eating properly, you aren’t thinking properly. you won’t be able to control your intrusive thoughts. your emotions will overtake you. you won’t be able to verbalize how you feel, which will frustrate you even more. until you’re nourished and healthy again, your illness will continue to take hold. the only way out is to eat.
if any of my followers are interested in science, there’s actually a biological reason this happens. when the body is under attack (extreme stress, malnutrition, etc), higher function thinking (prefrontal cortex of the brain) doesn’t work as efficiently. this means that you’re not able to make smart decisions, your judgement is distorted, you can’t regulate emotions, and you won’t be able to process new information as well
instead, all your higher function thinking is sent to your midbrain. the amygdala (the part of your brain that produces strong emotions, including fight/flight) will manage your feelings, rather than the prefrontal cortex. this means you’re more likely to react strongly to triggers, and potentially in a dangerous way. your striatum, responsible for muscle memory and habitual action, is also handling functions it shouldn’t. when triggered, instead of using your skills to move forward in a healthy way, it’s much more likely that you’ll revert to old habits
the ONLY way to redirect thinking back to the prefrontal cortex is to break the cycle. it’s easier not to eat, or engage in other behaviors, but until you can regulate your intake, this pattern will continue
my hot take as someone who has experienced the lowest of lows in terms of severe depression and anxiety and executive dysfunction: the whole “not everyone is neurotypical karen” mindset is legitimately damaging and destructive and ultimately will make you feel worse and more isolated
eating well and exercising and etc absolutely helps with mental illness. obviously it’s irritating to hear that when those things feel like impossible tasks, i get that, and i’ve been there. but forcing yourself to eat better, to walk more, to get up out of bed and shower even when you don’t want to, those things help. they clear your head. they make you feel better. they absolutely do. getting there is hard, but once you do it, it does help
rejecting any kind of help, even the most benign suggestion, from someone who is trying their best to think positively for you and shoulder the emotional burden with you, is going to make you feel worse. it’s going to make you feel that much more cut off and lonely and frustrated. i have isolated myself and ruined friendships with people because i chose to close myself off from people who were just trying to help and i convinced myself that they didn’t understand me and no one would ever understand me. what did that get me in the end? genuinely nothing. it made me feel even more alone.
in 2018 i encourage people who suffer like i have to see where people are coming from with cheesy self-care advice. they’re coming from the heart. and sometimes, doing a face mask or taking a hot bath or eating a nutritious meal or getting up to watch the sunrise or even just one yoga class can make you feel that much closer to the person you want to be. a lot of recovery from mental illness is “fake it till you make it” type shit. so don’t reject even the corniest advice because you are convinced it won’t help you. sometimes it really does. and you shouldn’t keep denying yourself even the smallest of victories because you feel like it’s easier to wallow in how bad you feel. it is so difficult to do good things for yourself and your body, but it is so rewarding
“If a person can’t get out of bed, something is making them exhausted. If a student isn’t writing papers, there’s some aspect of the assignment that they can’t do without help. If an employee misses deadlines constantly, something is making organization and deadline-meeting difficult. Even if a person is actively choosing to self-sabotage, there’s a reason for it — some fear they’re working through, some need not being met, a lack of self-esteem being expressed. People do not choose to fail or disappoint. No one wants to feel incapable, apathetic, or ineffective. If you look at a person’s action (or inaction) and see only laziness, you are missing key details. There is always an explanation. There are always barriers. Just because you can’t see them, or don’t view them as legitimate, doesn’t mean they’re not there. Look harder. Maybe you weren’t always able to look at human behavior this way. That’s okay. Now you are. Give it a try.”
(And a footnote I didn’t see explicitly covered in the article: laziness still doesn’t exist when it is you yourself making no progress and not knowing why. You deserve that respect and consideration, too, even from yourself.)
A lot of the time when people give advice intended to relieve anxiety, they suggest doing “relaxing” things like drawing, painting, knitting, taking a bubble bath, coloring in one of those zen coloring books, or watching glitter settle to the bottom of a jar.
This advice is always well-intentioned, and I’m not here to diss people who either give it or who benefit from it. But it has never, ever done shit for me, and this is because it goes about resolving anxiety in the completely wrong way.
THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO when suffering from anxiety is to do a “relaxing” thing that just enables your mind to dwell and obsess more on the thing that’s bothering you. You need to ESCAPE from the dwelling and the obsession in order to experience relief.
You can drive to a quiet farm, drive to the beach, drive to a park, or anywhere else, but as someone who has tried it all many, many times, trust me–it’s a waste of gas. You will just end up still sad and stressed, only with sand on your butt. You can’t physically escape your sadness. Your sadness is inside of you. To escape, you need to give your brain something to play with for a while until you can approach the issue with a healthier frame of mind.
People who have anxiety do not need more time to contemplate, because we will use it to contemplate how much we suck.
In fact, you could say that’s what anxiety is–hyper-contemplating. When we let our minds run free, they run straight into the thorn bushes. Our minds are already running, and they need to be controlled. They need to be given something to do, or they’ll destroy everything, just like an overactive husky dog ripping up all the furniture.
Therefore, I present to you:
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO WHEN ANXIOUS
–Go on a walk
–Watch a sunset, watch fish in an aquarium, watch glitter, etc.
–Go anywhere where the main activity is sitting and watching
–Draw, color, do anything that occupies the hands and not the mind
–Do yoga, jog, go fishing, or anything that lets you mentally drift
–Do literally ANYTHING that gives you great amounts of mental space to obsess and dwell on things.
THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHEN ANXIOUS:
–Do a crossword puzzle, Sudoku, or any other mind teaser game. Crosswords are the best.
–Write something. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. Write the Top 10 Best Restaurants in My City. Rank celebrities according to Best Smile. Write some dumb Legolas fanfiction and rip it up when you’re done. It’s not for publication, it’s a relief exercise that only you will see.
–Read something, watch TV, or watch a movie–as long as it’s engrossing. Don’t watch anything which you can run as background noise (like, off the top of my head, Say Yes to The Dress.) As weird as it seems, American Horror Story actually helps me a lot, because it sucks me in.
–Masturbate. Yes, I’m serious. Your mind has to concentrate on the mini-movie it’s running. It can’t run Sexy Titillating Things and All The Things That are Bothering Me at the same time. (…I hope. If it can, then…ignore this one.)
–Do math problems—literally, google “algebra problems worksheet” and solve them. If you haven’t done math since 7th grade this will really help you. I don’t mean with math, I mean with the anxiety.
–Play a game or a sport with someone that requires great mental concentration. Working with 5 people to get a ball over a net is a challenge which will require your brain to turn off the Sadness Channel.
–Play a video game, as long as it’s not something like candy crush or Tetris that’s mindless.
THINGS YOU SHOULD DO DURING PANIC ATTACKS ESPECIALLY:
–List the capitals of all the U.S. states
–List the capitals of all the European countries
–List all the shapes you can see. Or all the colors.
–List all the blonde celebrities you can think of.
–Pull up a random block of text and count all the As in it, or Es or whatever.
Now obviously, I am not a doctor. I am just an anxious person who has tried almost everything to help myself. I’ve finally realized that the stuff people recommend never works because this is a disorder that thrives on free time and free mental space. When I do the stuff I listed above, I can breathe again. And I hope it helps someone here too.
(Now this shouldn’t have to be said but if the “do nots” work for you then by all means do them. They’ve just never worked for me.)
This would’ve been great an hour ago
If your anxiety includes rapid heartbeat for no reason then it may help to exercise! It helps for me because I’m focused on whatever moves I’m doing and breathing, and it gives my heart rate a reason to be that high so that I can start the slow cooking down process and (hopefully) bring that heart rate down with it. Look up a quick cardio workout on YouTube or something and just do it in your room!
This is so, SO true.
All ‘doing something relaxing’ ever did for me was give my brain MORE free time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
Drawing and making stuff does occupy my mind so I mean YMMV
something that has really worked for me in terms of self improvement is trying to form a single habit at a time. i’ve self-sabotaged countless of times trying to turn my life around in a single night, like, writing down a schedule where i’m going to wake up early, do yoga, cook my own food, work six hours and then write for another two, etc, etc, and like, that does help form a coherent picture of what you want your life to look like, it helps visualizing the path before you, but it just like… the Disorders get in the way, and even with a quote unquote healthy brain it’s not something anyone can just achieve overnight. so like, for example, last year i started forming the habit of reading for half an hour before i go to bed instead of scrolling my phone, and this year i added journaling, too. i just started forming the habit of not scrolling tumblr as soon as i wake up and i’m saving a lot of time in my mornings.
and like, it wasn’t something that i immediately got used to, i was so upset the first time i forgot to write about my day or sometimes i end up googling useless stuff instead of reading a book, but now it seems more natural than not to do these things.
i think my point is, and maybe this is obvious but it truly has been a reality check and a revelation for me, is that focusing on a single, small thing is so much more helpful than beating yourself over not being able to suddenly become a healthy person with healthy habits. forming habits takes time, adopting healthy routines takes time, and trying to do it all at once is incredibly discouraging, but little things add up.
I first read about a technique like this in a Rookie article, How to Structure Your Days If You’re Depressed. After reading it I decided I wanted to try it, and made it my goal to wash my face every day before bed. It wasn’t easy at first, and I still miss some days, but I can already tell it’s helping me and I feel more capable and more in control of my life. Plus my face looks a lot better, so I’m starting to feel more self-confident. Anyways basically I just mean to say that this is really solid advice I wish I’d known about earlier and I hope if you’re reading this and have trouble structuring your days that you give it a shot!
ive been on tumblr a long time and i remember when everyone said “oh don’t romanticize mental illness” and it was agreed that doing that was gross and a good way to kill people indirectly
but somehow we’ve come full circle and there are people who legit defend their right to be anti-recovery there are people who don’t want to get better and spread the idea that you can’t get better as if it’s gospel and it’s fucking frightening to me bc nobody seems to want to say “hey? this is toxic and untrue and is your disease speaking, and it’s not something you should accept.”
and i feel like every recovery post gets about 500 of these people saying “this isn’t something that will work” “cool karen i’m depressed” “maybe it worked for you but it won’t work for other people” and that’s… just… im so sorry if you’re 15. i’m sorry if you’re in high school and watching grown adults tell you it doesn’t get better. that nobody says that with time and help and patience the world stops being so heavy, that accepting your illness as a fact is one thing but accepting it as the only way to be is just wrong, that you can learn to live with it and still find some degree of “happy”…. if i had seen this shit back when i was … oh god starting at 12 when i was already self-harming …. i think i’d have actually honest-to-god killed myself. not a joke, not a funny tumblr punchline, i would have actually just killed myself.
i’m saying this right here and right now to the adults on this site. if you for any reason shoot down positivity that’s causing no harm – you might have indirectly worsened someone else’s condition, and you should try and do better in the future. if you find it necessary to tell people “recovery is a lie”, you need to do better. i know everyone has different circumstances, but i also know that mental illness behaves in such a way that everyone thinks they can’t recover. if you feel like you should be spreading the Word Of Relapse, you are causing toxic language to be normalized and you need to do better.
im team “cool karen ive got depression and that means i’m going to try this because i’ve got to try something” i’m team “romanticize recovery” i’m team “it isn’t working now but it might in the future and it’s worth staying to find out” im team “hey this didn’t work for me but it might help somebody else out”
fuck guys it shouldn’t be an unpopular opinion to say “i don’t want any of you to die”.
i'll apple your turnover 