Rachel: uh, and- and it’s something that I’ve noticed like, when I saw these three things about like- empathy, positivity, and strong emotional connections, it kinda helped me highlight… which components were missing from my previous relationships and kind of-
Griffin: you scared the living- the ever living fucking- mother fucking-
Rachel: *laughing*
Griffin: -fucking shit out of me and I shit my pants and almost died.
Rachel: *still laughing*
Griffin: are you kidding me? Doing a sentence like that? On a podcast? I almost shit my fucking butt off- are you kidding me? “It helped me realize something-“ this is our last episode of Wonderful!- are you kidding me?
Rachel: *laughing* I’m sorry
Griffin: Jesus Christ-
Rachel: *still laughing* helped me realize what was missing from my previous relationships-
Griffin: okay, but you understand that you sent shockwaves through the whole- like people were writing Facebook posts like, “WHAT THE FU- oh.”
Rachel: why would I bring you to this podcast to tear you-
Griffin: i don’t know! Last week you brought our sexual relations- our sexual conquest into the thing, I thought that “maybe Rachel is doing a bold new style of podcasting”
Rachel: *laughing* Griffin, I’m taking this opportunity…
Griffin: yeah, wowzers
Rachel: no, I was gonna say that it makes me realize why ours works so well
Griffin: oh, thank God
Rachel: ‘cause we are very empathetic with each other, we do compliment each other often-
Griffin: yeah
Rachel: and-
Griffin: sex power is off the charts
Rachel: -we’re positive
Griffin: yeah, we can’t even quantify our sex power
Rachel: yeahh, sex power
Griffin: blew up the bedroom yesterday
Rachel: ah, jeez
Griffin: a wave of super sonic force shot out of my body like I was-
Rachel: well you don’t have to tell out listeners, they probably felt it
Griffin: oh, no, apparently that’s what we do on this show, is tell them about my super sonic sex energy like Blanka from Street Fighter- shooting out of my body like electricity, tearing off the wall paper
Rachel: i don’t know who Blanka is
Griffin: that’s okay, he’s a big green monster from Street Fighter. He’s cool. He does this power where he crouches down and shoots electricity out of his body and like, y’know, E. Honda tries to punch him but gets a big shock
Rachel: you with your sex power, you’re more like Sheet Fighter
i’ve had this going through my head for a week and i had to physically get it out of myself to make it stop
[Audio description: part of the song “U Can’t Touch This” by Mc Hammer, except instead of the words “can’t touch this” it plays Griffin and Justin saying “come fuck this” from their spore playthrough. It syncs up perfectly.]
I’ve been working on this for months and the truth is I could continue to add to it forever but I want you all to enjoy it with me
transcript:
Griffin: [as Jenkins] A witch kissed me and cursed me so that anytime anybody yells a secret word, I have to attend to their every need, and that word is my fucking name, Jenkins. Justin: [snickering]
G: Are you naming your goddamn wizard Taako?
G: Oh- shit. Oh, god, oh, god, where’d it go, oh no, no, no!
G: If possible, I would love to- to avoid a shitting-based solution? Uh, A, because I don’t want to know what exists beyond the explicit tag in iTunes? [Justin laughs] I don’t- like, is there a fucking NC-17 rating? I don’t wanna- I don’t think I wanna be a part of that. But also- Justin: [crosstalk] Hey! G: I would also not like this scene to drag on out as long as- as a human being’s digestive cycle.
G: [background laughter] Fun show, fun show games!
G: And I think I just described a plant orgasm. And this has been Fifty Shades of Green [Clint laughs], starring four idiots.
G: So the end of that sentence that you cut off was- and I- so I won’t be able to put up with any shit today, but the problem is I already have? Now people will stop tweeting about me that I said one of Barry’s favorite things is swimming in a cold lake on a hot day, and then in two episodes later say he didn’t know how to swim.
G: ‘Kay, you and the box both drink POISON! And you survive, but the box has died. Clint: That means it’s open, right? G: Yes, with that the box pops open and it has 900 gold pieces inside. Everyone: Yeah! [cheering]
Travis: I get it. Justin: Damn, that’s a good door! G: No, it’s- [yelling] let me finish describing what happened to the door! I’ve been trying to tell you what happened to the door for like ten minutes!
Travis: I tap it with the Glutton’s Fork and I swallow it. Justin: [muffled wheezing] Griffin: What the fuck!
Griffin: [laugh-crying] You’re gonna turn him into a man tube? [wheezing] You- you’re gonna turn him into a bag or a shelf with the rock sitting on it-
Griffin, loudly: What the fuck?! [audience laughter] Travis: Double damage is- 4 and 3 plus 4 and 1. Griffin: I didn’t give Marvey HP!
Griffin: Is the stapler in here? Anyone want the fucking stapler?
Griffin: Oh, Jesus, you love this shit! [Travis, crosstalk: I’m sorry-] It’s your- You’re a fucking pervert! Fetish- you’re exposing everybody to your fetishes! Travis: I’m so sorry!
Griffin: Uh- it is an uneventful climb to the twentieth floor. And, uh- as- Travis: Floor twenty! Griffin: as- as- What? Justin and Travis: [snickering] Floor twenty! Griffin: [pause] We’re not gonna say anything better than that- Travis: Griffin, we have to fight some weeds at floor twenty. Griffin: We have thirty minutes to go, and we’re not gonna say anything better than that. Did you even think about that?
Justin: I grow bored with this fight. [laughter] Griffin: Okay. [crosstalk] Justin: I’m- I’m casting polymorph on myself- Griffin: Oh, fucking- wow. Justin: Griffin, I’m texting you- [Griffin: oh]because you’re going to need this information. Griffin: Oh my god, Justin. Justin: Yes. [Wonderland music starts] Griffin: Taako’s arms sink into his chest, so that he’s just got, sort of, little arms, and his head gets really big, and really long, [Clint laughs] and his teeth get very sharp, and he grows a tail, and he turns into a tyrannosaurus rex.
Griffin: [yelling] Oh, NO! Are you keeping track of how many times you rolled as well? Clint: [crosstalk] To be honest the educational system in Huntington, West Virginia sucks- Travis: Twenty-five! Twenty-five! Four, four! Twenty-five! Twenty-seven! [overlapped with Justin] Griffin: it’s dead- STOP! Stop! You’re killing him! Travis and Justin: Thirty! Thirty-six! Griffin: Stop! He’s already dead! Travis: One more, one more, one more- [Clint: C’MON!] Travis and Justin: Thirty-seven! [A pause as the audience laughs] Travis: His parents feel it! Griffin: You fucking- you fucking- this turtle’s- this turtle’s parents- Travis: [crosstalk] Is that where the turtle’s brother dies? Griffin: -forget about him. This turtle was a successful turtle author, and the words on his books fucking vanish. [audience laughter] You have erased this turtle from existence.
Travis: But my butt- Griffin: [yelling] Come on, I’m in hell! [crosstalk] I’m dead and in hell now! You opened the door! You built the fucking door! Out of wood! Shitwood! Shame on you and shame on us!
Justin, as Taako: Garfield? Griffin, as Garfield: Yes? Justin: I have something I think is really going to interest you. Griffin: [yelling out of character] OH MY GOD! Justin: This is the Slicer of T’pire Weir Isles [background laughter] and I notice that you have a really cool sword. It’s a Flaming, Poisoning, Raging Sword of Doom, I believe it’s called. Griffin: Oh my god… Justin: And- I’m looking at your entire stock and it does seem to me that’s your most valuable posession, would you say that’s accurate? Griffin: [laughter, as Garfield] Yes, it’s absolutely the most valuable thing in the store!
Griffin: [very tired] I didn’t expect it to go like that. [audience laughter] Um- and- Travis: What did you expect to happen? Griffin: [yelling] For you to catch a fucking fish in my fish mini game! [audiene cheers] Is that so- Am I out of my mind? Is that an unreasonable expectation? To give them a fucking fish mini game- Taako makes the lake float, Travis jumps in with a rapier, like, “let’s get it done!” and Dad makes, the- the fucking shit teleport away! [audience laughter] Clint: Welcome- welcome to The Adventure Zone, Griffin.
“I’m a female security guard at a truck gate. I’m basically the only female there and I have to deal with a lot of truckers. They all tend to call me things like “sweetheart”, “hon”, “babe”, but I’ve recently started responding with “no problem, sport”, “no problem, champ”. My question is, what else can I use?”
theres just something real special about the advice the brothers give in response to women asking about gross men, and personally i love it more than most things
i'll apple your turnover 