when i was 13, i thought i was ace. when my friend was, 14 they thought that they were ace. my cousin is twelve years old and already ids as pan ace. do you see the fucking problem?
why would a twelve year old think they have to id as ace? who told her she should already be thinking she’s ace because she doesn’t experience sexual attraction WHEN SHE’S TWELVE FUCKING YEARS OLD?????
literal children should not be thinking about this shit. and no, fuckers, this is not the same as figuring out you’re lesbian/gay/bi/trans young because none of those imply anything about sex!
being ace is literally directly about sex and how people experience sexual attraction! i don’t know how to explain to you people that pushing these labels towards children is harmful!!!!!
I’m going to cut in and say young children id-omg as ace isn’t the problem. The sexualization Of teens and children is what causes kids who haven’t felt those emotions yet (or never will) to gravitate to a label that they feel describes them
We constantly expect teens and preteens go have crushes and little boyfriends/girlfriends/etc. We push the narrative that everyone is losing their virginity by the time they graduate high school without thinking about those who haven’t or don’t want to.
Personally? when I was 15 I Id’ed as ace bc I wasn’t interested in any boys or girls romantically or sexually. And all over the tv eas teenagers and tweens at minimum having those feelings or being swept up in romance or sex. When I discovered the ace community, it was a comfort to know there were people who didn’t feel that. And having never experienced sexual feelings, I couldn’t IMAGINE ever wanting it
By the time I had given up on love and sex, I was 20.
THATs when naturally I fell for someone and did have those feelings. Was I late in that? Absolutely not.
I was so shocked to find his sexual experience was just as limited as mine— because the narrative we are told is that if you’re 18 surely you’ve fucked or at least agreed to wait till marriage with your HS sweetheart or whatever.
But that’s not the universal— or even common experience.
TLDR; aces aren’t responsible for young children feeling pressured to adopt that label, its our societal narrative that sexualizes children and relies on the assumption that All Teens Have Fucked
Also, it’s normal for teens and preteens to experiment with different labels. That’s usually the time when people start questioning their identity in that way. I went through a whole gamut of different labels as a teen before feeling pretty secure with just being a gay man.
If a twelve-year-old says they’re ace and they end up being something else, that’s their business and it’s fine. If they identify as ace their entire life, that’s also fine and also their business. And if that means a larger portion of the population identifies as ace, then so what? The earth won’t split open, there won’t be a plague of locusts, probably not much will really change on a grand scale.
Back at summer camp when all the other girls were hanging pictures of N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys on their bunks, when it seemed like I was the only one who wasn’t into them–but who wasn’t really into girls either–I wish I’d had the word ‘ace’ to use for myself instead of “I’m weird, I just don’t like them.”
What bothers me about the whole “children shouldn’t be identifying as ace” thing is that like… You can have a sense of who you are even before you start having sex or even have a sense of your own sexuality. You can be acutely aware of how all your friends talk about having crushes or talk about sex and what they’ve heard or what they want to do and you just don’t get it.
Kids can know that they’re gay/bi/trans at a young age. Kids can know that they’re ace/aro at a young age.
And if they get it wrong? If they aren’t interested in sex because they’re young and just aren’t ready for it yet…. so what? They grow up and get a better sense of themselves and leave that label behind…? Big deal.
wild idea here but… instead of pushing this idea that teenagers can’t be asexual bc they’re children and not wanting sex is normal, how about “if you identify as ace as a teenager but later realize you just didn’t want sex bc you were a kid and stop identifying that way, that’s okay” and realizing that doesn’t mean no one can know they’re asexual as a teenager and stop maybe telling asexual teenagers that they’re too young to be ace bc that’s really weird given that teenagers are cetainly capable of being non-asexual also you totally can’t decide something like that for someone else
‘Here is your label, you can never change it’ is one of the most toxic things I’ve ever seen and honestly is the worst parts of pretty much any community there is. It keeps people from being willing to change or even self-reflect, because once they get a label it’s impossible to free themselves from it. And it’s behind all the ridiculous ‘well at one point you said a thing that all these years later in a different context doesn’t sound all that good so you’re a bigot and everything you do is terrible’ nonsense going around this hellsite.
teenagers especially need to be able to say “this is where i’m at now, it could change later, it’s valid either way,” because they’re still evolving really fast
anyone at any time in life can discover something new about themself and no one gets to tell them what they’re feeling
YES, and also??
The argument that “you could find out in the future you’re not ace, so you can’t identify as ace NOW” has an underlying sense that… identifying as ace is BAD. It makes it sound like identifying as ace is something you absolutely should not do until you’re 100% certain, because maybe it isn’t that bad, maybe you’re normal and you just don’t know it yet!
It’s the same mentality, I find, as people who think being gay or lesbian is a horrible fate you wouldn’t chose if you could, something you would change if it was possible. The same mentality that says you can’t be trans unless you’re horribly dysphoric all the time.
They treat the decision of identifying as asexual as some serious life-sentence instead of, you know, a simple way of exploring your identity??
IM LAUGHING SO HARD I DIDNT THINK SEXUAL DESIRE WAS A REAL THING LIKE I ALWAYS SAW PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY WANTED SEX BUT I THOUGHT THEY WERE JOKING OR EXAGGERATING OR SOMETHING THATS WHY IT WAS SO HARD FOR ME TO REALIZE I WAS ACE BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WENT WITHOUT SAYING SEX ISNT THAT IMPORTANT IM 19 YEARS OLD I CANT STOP LAUGHING LITERALLY 99% OF THE POPULATION EXPERIENCES SEXUAL DESIRE AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE
This is pretty much the definition of being an ace person, tbh, and I’m so glad.
this is literally the #that sounds fake but okay meme im dying
#ME#I THOUGHT SEXUAL ATTRACTION WAS RARE#AKA#HOW TO FIND OUT YOU’RE DEMI (via @miseryauthoress)
Honestly, every single cheating plotline never made sense because “but why do you have to have sex with them? just don’t??”
^^^^ Every single cheating plot line ever I was like: What is so hard about keeping your pants on what is your problem??
…do you have any idea how hard it is to do literary criticism that will get published when your reaction to at least 75% of character motivations is this makes no sense whatsoever why do they even care?
When people ask you why you don’t date someone just to try, and when you answer that well you’re not interested in that person, they explain that usually you don’t like the person at first, but you might fall in love after having dated a little while
and you’re just?????? but what?????????? is the point of dating someone if you don’t like them??????????????
what do you mean the point is making out and sex????????? why would i want to do that with someone i don’t already like?????????
I saw this magazine in a grocery store and I immediately started freaking out. I have no idea what the article is about, because I was leaving checkout and had to rush out of there, but just knowing that asexuals are spotlighted in one that’s carried in stores makes me very happy.
There are asexuals who find themselves attracted to television characters as they get to know them over the course of a season, but feel no stirring in their loins for the actors who play those characters.
That explains so much
If you don’t understand asexuality please read this. It’s so great and you get to see what an asexual is thinking in the midst of it all
wild idea here but… instead of pushing this idea that teenagers can’t be asexual bc they’re children and not wanting sex is normal, how about “if you identify as ace as a teenager but later realize you just didn’t want sex bc you were a kid and stop identifying that way, that’s okay” and realizing that doesn’t mean no one can know they’re asexual as a teenager and stop maybe telling asexual teenagers that they’re too young to be ace bc that’s really weird given that teenagers are cetainly capable of being non-asexual also you totally can’t decide something like that for someone else
‘Here is your label, you can never change it’ is one of the most toxic things I’ve ever seen and honestly is the worst parts of pretty much any community there is. It keeps people from being willing to change or even self-reflect, because once they get a label it’s impossible to free themselves from it. And it’s behind all the ridiculous ‘well at one point you said a thing that all these years later in a different context doesn’t sound all that good so you’re a bigot and everything you do is terrible’ nonsense going around this hellsite.
teenagers especially need to be able to say “this is where i’m at now, it could change later, it’s valid either way,” because they’re still evolving really fast
anyone at any time in life can discover something new about themself and no one gets to tell them what they’re feeling
YES, and also??
The argument that “you could find out in the future you’re not ace, so you can’t identify as ace NOW” has an underlying sense that… identifying as ace is BAD. It makes it sound like identifying as ace is something you absolutely should not do until you’re 100% certain, because maybe it isn’t that bad, maybe you’re normal and you just don’t know it yet!
It’s the same mentality, I find, as people who think being gay or lesbian is a horrible fate you wouldn’t chose if you could, something you would change if it was possible. The same mentality that says you can’t be trans unless you’re horribly dysphoric all the time.
They treat the decision of identifying as asexual as some serious life-sentence instead of, you know, a simple way of exploring your identity??
Not to mention letting ace teens know that asexuality exists and it’s okay to identify as ace will help them not jump into sexual situations they may not be comfortable with but feel like they have to because media constantly shoved it down their throats that having sex and being sexual is a necessary part of romantic relationships, and they could spend years feeling broken and confused why they don’t feel that way when it seems like everyone else around them does.
THAT LAST COMMENT THO
if I’d known asexuality was a real thing when I was a teen, oh gods, just think of all the years, the DECADES of feeling horrible and broken and worthless that I could’ve skipped! not to mention the times I forced myself to do things I didn’t really want to do, but felt like maybethis time I’d like it, because other people liked it so eventually I’d like it too, right?
yeah, I never did, and I wish I could go back and tell past-me that she didn’t have to do those things and it was okay not to want to, because no one else told me that.
so for the love of whatever god you believe in, let kids and teens identify however they feel is right! GIVE THEM THE FREEDOM TO FIGURE IT OUT! let them say “I don’t want this right now, and maybe not ever” and not feel obligated to be “normal” in ways that they could seriously regret later! and if later they change their mind and say “okay, you know what, maybe I do actually want that,” SO MCFREAKIN WHAT? it doesn’t mean they never felt that way, it doesn’t mean they’re appropriating or faking or whatever. it means they’re still growing and learning! I kinda thought that’s what people were supposed to do as they grew up? since when is growth and learning a bad thing?
Do you know what I find interesting about asexual vs pansexual as identities? A lot of people who identify as either at one point thought they were the other.
So how could a pansexual possibly mistake themselves for an asexual, or vice versa? Well, I’ll use my own experiences regarding questioning as an example, because I was one of these people. At one point I thought I was ace, but I’m actually pan.
I guess I should start with why I define myself as pan instead of bi. The most commonly accepted definition of pansexuality is “attraction regardless of gender.” For me personally, gender isn’t really a factor in whether or not I find someone attractive.
So here’s where the confusion comes in: you don’t feel any sort of special way for one gender over another. Maybe you even feel sort of indifferent to gender. Does this mean I’m asexual or pansexual? The key is how you experience attraction to other people, if you feel any at all. The trick is figuring out what it means and how it feels to be “attracted” to someone, which is a very personal thing for everyone.
Keep in mind that these were my personal experiences. They’re different for everyone, but they can sometimes share a common pattern. There’s nothing wrong with exploring your identity and changing your labels as you make discoveries. This is one of the biggest reasons why a-spec solidarity is so important to me as a pansexual. I know where they’re coming from.
This is why bi/pan/ace solidarity exists!!! This is why we’re the triforce sexualities!! A lot of ace people thought they were bi before there was language to identify otherwise. A lot of ace people think they’re pan before they realize they’re not AND VICE VERSA!!!
Discourse fucking murdered bi/pan/ace solidarity because of their hatred of aces and they can fucking kiss my ass if they don’t think destroying that solid bond between us didn’t leave some gnarly scars.
It’s one of the biggest reasons I started getting involved with ace discourse, because I saw the attempt being made to sever our solidarity. I was so incredibly lucky to have gone through my questioning phase back when Tumblr was more-or-less ace-friendly, because going through it in, say, 2016 during the height of some of the most toxic anti-ace discourse would have messed me up hard. All of it is very anti-questioning and I have a huge problem with that, as anyone should.
It’s a real head trip when you realize you’re BOTH too.
oh gosh, it’s nice to see this put into words, because I always feel sort of possessive of both communities
In the few months I’ve been modding at fuckyeahasexual and touring ace Tumblr, there’s been a very. Steady. Stream of info that detail horrifically abusive situations and overall poor mental unhealth. Two a week in the inbox if I’m lucky, usually around seven-ten.
And there’s been so many, I can officially categorize all 500+ of these kinds of asks and submissions into an extensive bulletlist of Why Asexual Exclusionary Radicalism Is Incredibly Toxic And Shitty;
Coming Out To Family, Friends, And Employers
“My parents keep telling me that I’m something else, and it’s making me doubt my sense of judgement, not just about my sexual identity, but also about everything in general.”
“My family, friends, and co-workers keep referring to me as an inanimate object in a manner that’s clearly meant to humiliate and devastate me. Nothing I say will get them to stop.”
“My parents vocally/bodily forced me to undergo medical examinations, some of them concerning my sexual organs, many of them concerning blood tests and other trauma-centric procedures.”
“My family is intervening with my private life by changing my schedule to include exercise, socialization, friend influences, and whatever they think can ‘change’ me.”
“My friends/co-workers no longer respect my bodily boundaries when I came out to them, because they no longer see me as someone who should be respected. They regularly touch, fondle, grope, and prod me without permission, and/or verbally harass me, and don’t take my objections seriously.”
“My family, friends, and co-workers no longer just harass me, but also anyone I’m currently dating because they view my significant other as pathetic, underserved, or even being abused.”
First Few Days Of Dating
“My date got irrationally angry and confrontational when I came out to them, in a manner that made me fearful.” (SO many of these.)
“My date immediately lost any respect they had for my boundaries, no longer asked for consent, and {tried to} force themselves upon me.” (A lot of these, too)
“My date tried to verbally circumvent any boundaries and issues I confessed to, and it made me feel like I was in danger.”
“I didn’t come out to my date at first, and when they found out, they radically changed their behavior in an attempt to control and manipulate our new relationship to their benefit.”
Long-Term Relationships
“My partner has forcefully and radically changed our long-term relationship after finding out about my asexuality, and I’m now trapped and controlled in a way that I wasn’t before.”
“My partner broke up with me/is fighting with me because of my asexuality, and trying to make it seem like I’m hurting them. It’s made me doubt myself and my ability to trust my own intentions.”
“My partner is slowly changing from what was once supportive of my asexuality, and I’m wondering when I have the right to be worried and when I’d be overreacting. I’m aware of the worst case scenario, but I also worry that I’m being selfish and childish – which are things I’ve been told all throughout my asexual experience.”
Self-Care And Self Development
“I don’t trust my ability to say either yes or no in sexual situations, and this has extended to my life in general. I don’t feel comfortable in my ability to self-determinate.”
“The lack of authority, definition, and schooling of the concept of asexuality has made me very uncomfortable with what I think I am, and that uncertainty haunts me every waking moment.”
“I think it’s too late/too early to tell if I’m asexual, but the longer I hesitate, the worse my mental health and emotional wellbeing gets. I’m effectively stuck.”
“I see no benefit in coming out, or even identifying as asexual. There’s no positivity, role models, or supportive community for what I consider a big and scary part of my overall identity.”
“I think this was sexual abuse, but I’m wondering if I’m just being selfish and childish.”
“I think I was treated badly by my parents/friends/partner, but I’m wondering if I’m just being selfish and childish.”
“I want to believe that I’m deserving of equal freedom and human respect paid to other, not asexual people, but people tell me I’m being selfish and childish.”
“No one encourages this part of me. And that makes me feel forgotten and abandoned in general.”
Shut the fuck up about your petty beef with tumblr bloggers and youtubers and Archie comics or whatever. I literally do not care, I can’t care. I see these messages every goddamn day – this post was written and drafted a month ago, and I very easily compiled most of this bulletpoint list from scratch, just by eyeing what I see in the askbox and what comes across my dash.
‘Ace discourse’ anger is empty and so meaningless. This is what I see by being part of this one 17k follow asexual ask blog for maybe half a year. I am so Done with all the faux rage posts and all the false positivity about how it’s ok to NOT be ace and all the acephobia that falls perfectly in line with the gaslighting typical of acephobia-101 while also having the audacity to claim it not so.
This is what’s real and I want to bleed it into your goddamn eyes.
Reblogging this again, for obvious reasons
Ace ppl are not INSTITUTIONALLY OR SYSTEMATICALLY OPPRESSED BECAUSE OF THE DEGREE THAT YOU FEEL SEXUAL ATTRACTION. If ur trans ur lgbtq. If ur aro but ur gay, bi, pan ur lgbtq. If ur ace but homo, biromantic etc ur lgbt. Being ace doesnt make u lgbt by default. Does the interpersonal lack of understanding suck and should change? Yeah. But society doesnt want u dead so cishet aces stay tf out our business.
Someone read this, all this stuff about struggles of people coming out as ace, people abusing them and telling them that their identity isn’t real or is a problem to be fixed, making people feel worthless and feeling that they’re in the wrong about their own goddamn identity, and said “nah they ain’t oppressed™ enough to be in a community of people who face the same issues”
U mad huh?
Anyway….aces can’t be systematically opressed. None of those things are examples of systematic oppression
Also nice how they called it “asexual exclusionary radicalism” as if it wasn’t a cheap tactic to compare ace exclusionist to twerfs
Asexuality was listed in the DSM as HSDD (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder) until 2013, making it officially a mental illness that would be treated with therapy and medication. It is still in the DSM, except that you can ‘opt out’ if you self-identify as asexual, which is great except that asexuality is still so unknown that there undoubtedly many people who are asexual but don’t know that it’s “a thing”. This means that who knows how many asexuals have been sent to therapy and told they’re sick, then been “treated” for their orientation to try and force them to experience sexuality “correctly”.
Posts of people describing the hardship they’ve faced for their asexuality:x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x
The blog @acephobia-is-real has so many submissions and examples of hatred, harassment, hostility, and abuse, of aces who have been raped and/or sexually assaulted in an attempt to ‘fix’ them, and made suicidal due to aphobia and/or their own perceived brokenness, that it would be pointless for me to try and link any. Just go and start reading. Try their suicide tag.
There may be dissatisfyingly little research done on asexuality, but there has been enough done to prove that they do face discrimination, no matter how hard some may find that to believe. But guess what? You, an allosexual person, do not get to say shit like “aces don’t get kicked out” or “aces don’t _____” any more than I as a white person get to say that things I don’t experience must not happen to black people either. Just because you haven’t experienced it personally or witnessed it with your own eyes doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. You haven’t walked in an ace’s shoes, you don’t know what they deal with. Period.
Not even other aces can tell asexuals that their experiences aren’t real or aren’t valid. Different people can deal with different amounts of oppression, that doesn’t mean the lack of oppression is the default “truth”.
Nobody is trying to say that asexuals have it “as bad” or worse than gay or trans people, but we don’t HAVE to “have it worse” to beincluded and for our experiences to have merit without being compared to anyone else’s. Let me say that again: our experiences have merit without being compared to anyone else’s.
Told asexuals to die: x, x, x, x, x (tbh this is only a tiny sample and I don’t have the heart to go digging for more)
Are all aphobes this vile? Maybe not, but this is still the disgusting, hateful attitude festering in the gatekeeping community, and it stinks like shit. The examples I have provided above are only a fraction of the harassment and abuse that is perpetrated on a regular basis.
“Het aces/aroaces are straight”
Some het aces identify as straight. Some het aces don’t identify as straight, they identify as asexual, and it’s not your place to label them against their will. There is no world in which aroaces, people who experience no attraction to anyone, are straight.
“We accept SGA (same-gender attracted) and trans aces”
Firstly, SGA (same-gender attraction) is a term that was used and is still used in Mormon conversion therapy, so as one can understand,a lot of people are very uncomfortable being labeled with this description. Secondly, it enforces a gender binary of “same” and “opposite” gender that leaves a large number of nonbinary people out in the cold. Is a genderfluid person only “same-gender attracted” if they’re attracted to other genderfluid people who are genderfluid in exactly the same way? How about agender, intergender, demigirl/boy people? And before the argument “well they’re included as trans” is made, there are plenty of nonbinary people who do not identify as trans. I’m one of them.
The standard of “SGA and trans” as requirement for entry to the LGBTQ community is used nowhere outside of aphobic tumblr, and it seems crafted specifically for the purpose of excluding aces, aros, NBs, intersex people, and others not deemed “gay enough”.
The modern American movement was first known as the “gay community” when cis gay men refused to even accept lesbians, then the “gay and lesbian community”. (Good reading on the subject.)
“After the elation of change following group action in the Stonewall riots in New York, in the late 1970s and the early 1980s, some gays and lesbians became less accepting of bisexual or transgender people. Critics said that transgender people were acting out stereotypes and bisexuals were simply gay men or lesbian women who were afraid to come out and be honest about their identity. Each community has struggled to develop its own identity including whether, and how, to align with other gender and sexuality-based communities, at times excluding other subgroups; these conflicts continue to this day.” (source)
“From about 1988, activists began to use the initialism LGBT in the United States. Not until the 1990s within the movement did gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people gain equal respect.” (ibid)
Insisting that LG people have always been accepting of bi and trans people is incredibly revisionist and does a great deal of injustice to those who have been excluded.
Despite the fact that bisexual and transgender people have always been around, and have done great things for the community, they have faced a great deal of lateral oppression from the LG part of the group that did not want to see them get an equal share of attention, support, or legitimacy. This post is not about proving LG transphobia and biphobia, but it’s so rampant that I don’t feel like I need to provide sources whatsoever. Nevertheless, here’s a collection of biphobia, and the blog@terf-calloutdocuments some of the violent transphobia on this site, particularly in the lesbian community. This post is an example.
“The A stands for Ally so that closeted people can be the community without being outed”
No one is saying that we don’t care about closeted people, but a) even if you’re a closeted L, G, B, or T, you are still a L, G, B, or T. Allies do not need to be part of the acronym to be intrinsically welcomed. As someone said, this is like saying the ‘B’ in BLT stands for ‘bread’. We can pretty much safely assume that a sandwich is going to include bread, we don’t have to go of our way to give it a letter. Either you are outing every “ally” as a closeted queer person, or you are giving 100% cis straight people an LGBTQ member card, the very thing you are arguing against by trying to exclude asexuals.
Furthermore, this puts forth the argument “I’m willing to let cishet straight people into the community for the sake of a few closeted people” while at the same time stating “I’m not willing to let the A stand for asexuals because I don’t think letting cis heteroromantic asexuals into the community is worth giving all asexuals representation and support”. Which says that you consider asexuals less valuable and more of a threat than cis straight people.
“I have proof of an asexual being homophobic/transphobic/racist/a terrible person”
Of course there are asexuals who are terrible people. There are legions of gays and lesbians who are racist and transphobic. Does that make them not gay/lesbian? Does their bigotry invalidate their sexual orientation, or remove the L and G from the acronym? No, I don’t think so. Some asexuals being bad people doesn’t justify you trying to invalidate all of us.
“’Allosexual’ is a bad word because ____”
I actually have an ‘allosexual’ tag just for posts about why ‘allosexual’ is a perfectly fine word: x, x, x, x, x. x
“The split-attraction model is homophobic”
What we call the split-attraction model was first described by Karl Heinrich Ulrichs, a gay advocate from the 1800s, as “disjunctive uranodioning”. (source) (credit to this post)
“The term ‘corrective rape’ was coined by South African lesbians and should only be used by lesbians”
No one means any disrespect to lesbians or other victims of corrective rape, but this is not a correct statement.
“We’ll Show You You’re a Woman” describes the violence directed towards LGBT people in South Africa, stating, “Negative public attitudes towards homosexuality go hand in hand with a broader pattern of discrimination, violence, hatred, and extreme prejudice against people known or assumed to be lesbian, gay, and transgender, or those who violate gender and sexual norms in appearance or conduct (such as women playing soccer, dressing in a masculine manner, and refusing to date men).” It goes on to say, “Much of the recent media coverage of violence against lesbians and transgender men has been characterized by a focus on “corrective rape,” a phenomenon in which men rape people they presume or know to be lesbians in order to “convert” them to heterosexuality.”
The Wikipedia article on corrective rape in South Africa states that, “A study conducted by OUT LGBT Well-being and the University of South Africa Centre for Applied Psychology (UCAP) showed that “the percentage of black gay men who said they have experienced corrective rape matched that of the black lesbians who partook in the study”.”
It is not only lesbians, but also bisexual women, transgender men, gay men, and gender non-conforming people in South Africa who experience corrective rape. This is not in any way meant to minimize the horror of the epidemic or shift attention away from lesbians, but other victims, including asexuals, deserve attention as well. Do not silence or speak over victims of rape by policing their language.
“Aces are valid, they’re just not queer/LGBTQ”
You cannot in one breath say “Asexuals are valid” and in the next deny their experiences. Spend five minutes in the community and you will see testimony after testimony from aces describing their abuse, their sexual assault(s), the countless times people have called them confused, broken, wrong, mentally ill, inhuman, sinful, and how these experiences have left them feeling hopeless, alone, alienated, subhuman, depressed, and suicidal. Almost every asexual out there will tell you a story of how their orientation has caused them pain and struggle, and you can’t call them valid while at the same time calling these experiences invalid and nonexistent.
“Aces take resources from other LGBTQ who need them”
I’ve seen some pretty wild claims about this one, insisting that asexuals “steal” things such as scholarships, beds at homeless shelters, food and space at pride events, suicide hotlines, and so on, yet I have never seen any actual proof that any “stealing” has ever taken place. For one thing, I thought “you’ll never get kicked out or fired for being ace”, “no one is suicidal because they’re asexual”, so why would you think aces need these resources? Either we don’t need them or we don’t use them, you can’t have it both ways.
For another, how heartless do you have to be to tell asexuals that they can’t use suicide hotlines? Do you realize that you’re saying that asexuals should be denied life-saving services? That, in essence, asexuals are suicidal due to their orientation, but you think they’re not “queer enough” so they deserve to die? Because that is the logical progression of refusing someone suicide prevention, and that’s the message aces receive when you tell them they are “stealing” suicide prevention.
Lastly, do you not realize we are alsoPROVIDING resources? We are bringing bodies and minds to the community, we are here to be voices, to volunteer, to bring encouragement, information, and support. We earn our keep. You just have to admit that you don’t WANT us here.
(Thanks to @livebloggingmydescentintomadness for these)
My own contribution:
Living in a world where the media is overflowing with sexual imagery and where society constantly puts value on sexual intercourse, virginity, and related topics – who can forget the phrase ‘sex sells’? – men and women who do not experience sexual attraction (the definition of asexuality) and who are sex-repulsed or masturbation-repulsed (as many asexuals, myself included, are) feel alienated and ‘broken’. We also face erasure in terms of representation, being either grossly underrepresented or represented as cold, harsh, and ‘synonymous with celibate’ people. Let’s not forget erasure from LGBT spaces – I have many times been told that asexuals do not belong in the acronym or in “our spaces”, even though asexuals have the capacity to be homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, etc, as well as transgender or nonbinary. And, if we don’t belong in LGBT spaces, and we clearly aren’t heterosexual, what do we belong? Nowhere, it seems. Of course, the argument also drifts to “asexuals don’t experience oppression”, which is false.
I got an anon the other day asking how ace people could possibly experience more oppression than someone who is celibate. Here you go.
Long post, but full of resources.
How in the fuck can you scroll through a such a staggering number of examples of the shit ace people get for being ace and say “okay but asexual people aren’t oppressed”
How even the fuck
Aphobes and other kinds of exclusionists don’t care about the truth, they care only about their own fear. That’s how.
This is such a powerful post
I also like how they try to shit on radical aphobia as if,,,exclusionists don’t use flat out terf rhetoric
You can be an aspec exclusionist – I’m not one to police identities, unlike some of y’all – but you cannot be an aspec positive exclusionist.
Supporting aspec people – including those who may not identify with the LGBTQ+ community for whatever reason – is more than empty positivity. The continual denial of aspec existence – whether it be denying that minors can and do identify as aspec, denying that a fictional character could be or is aspec, or denying that ‘cishet’ aspec people can and do sometimes exist within LGBTQ+ spaces – is in direct contrast to people who are actually supportive of aspecs.
Aphobia is rampant within exclusionist communities – you mock our terminology (see: queerplatonic/quasiplatonic, squish, aplatonic, demisexual, etc.) and you make it clear that we are not to discuss our experiences (see: that never happened, ok but it’s still not marginalization/oppression tho, etc.).
When I try to talk about my experiences about being a-spec and being Christian, you talk over me. When people try to discuss violence they’ve experienced for being aspec, you talk over them. When we discuss fear of doctors and psychiatrists because we talk about our orientation and they pathologize it, you talk over us. When people try to talk about their family hurting them, with words or actions, because of their aspec identity, you talk over them.
And see, even if you don’t do these things personally, when you ally yourselves with people who do, you are just as deserving of the title of aphobe as they are. If you’re ace or aro or whatever that doesn’t make you any less – but you’re still hurting our community as a whole, and I despise you as much as I despise them for it.
Exclusionist = aphobe. No two ways to split it.
So go ahead – pat yourself on the back for being “ace positive” and queue up another “you are valid” on your “positivity” blog. You’re still a piece of shit, and your empty words are pretty damn obvious to any of us who are looking.
i'll apple your turnover 