Category: Uncategorized

This is kind of a self-indulgent question, but how do you deal with people who VERY BADLY want to be your internet friend, and they’d be Crushed if you stopped talking to them, but you just don’t have the energy for it/are beginning to resent them for it? (And for other reasons you can’t bring up because whiffs of criticism squeeze their “I’m a terrible person” reflex)

curlicuecal:

Oh, gosh. As someone who has been on BOTH sides of this experience, this speaks to me right where I live.

If you’re at all like me, this stuff is difficult from several angles:

Firstly, I like people to be happy and not unhappy. If I can do things to make people happy, I tend to want to do them. Other people’s (un)happiness often feels like it weighs more strongly than my own (un)happiness.

Secondly, I am extremely rejection-sensitive myself, so this ups my perception of the harm to the other person. It also makes the whole topic feel extremely charged, b/c if *I* secretly don’t like this person for no reason they can control then maybe other people secretly don’t like me for reasons I can’t control. Maybe all my friends secretly hate me! (They don’t. I’ve checked.)

Thirdly, if I’m honest, I would like to be able to reject someone in a way that somehow causes zero change in their opinion of me, see previous All People Must Like Me At All Times Or I’ve Failed As A Human Being. (Also not true. I’ve checked on that one, too.)

Soooo yeah. This is one of those easier-as-a-bystander things, but here’s some things that have helped me.

-Untangle what you do control from what you don’t

You are in charge of your feelings and your actions. You CAN’T control (or even 100% predict) how the other person will react to them, so stop assigning yourself the task of being feelings!forecaster and emotions!wrangler.

Sometimes things in life (like you not manifesting the correct feelings) will make people feel bad in ways you can’t actually prevent or control. Give yourself permission to not try.  Break ups hurt, and the idea that there is a Magical Correct Perfect way that will cause no hard feelings is, sadly, not a real thing.  Pull off the band-aid fast or slow or however the heck you prefer.  It’s gonna come off.

-Try not to project

Worth emphasizing: If they haven’t said it out loud, you don’t actually know what they’re thinking or feeling.  Mind reading is a cognitive distortion, so try to spot when you’re falling into it.  Ditto for fortune-telling (you don’t know how they’re going to react) or catastrophizing.

-Practice enthusiastic consent in relationships

Seriously. Do this *today.* Every time you find yourself in a position where you need decide to skype/message/reply/hang out with/otherwise spend emotional energy on this person" check in on your consent. Do you enthusiastically want to?

If not: don’t.

It is amazing how often this idea feels revolutionary. But you don’t owe strangers (or your friends) make-outs or sex just because it would make them happy, and similarly you don’t owe them a deep, emotional feelings jam. Or even a relationship. Neutrality towards someone is not harm.

Guilt is a toxic as fuck relationship dynamic, Do Not Do.

-Sometimes people don’t click

It’s not a referendum on someone’s character if you just don’t feel it the same way. You don’t need to be someone’s friend because they are nice. You don’t need to be someone’s friend just because you don’t have a compelling reason not to be. You don’t actually need a reason to not want to be someone’s friend. There are several billion perfectly nice people in the world you will not have time to be in either a platonic or romantic relationship with.

Also, having incompatible relationship needs doesn’t necessarily mean EITHER of you need to change as a person.  It just means you have incompatible needs.

If you feel bad for not being able to be the Nice Thing in this person’s life, go leave a comment on someone’s fanwork.  There, you’ve brightened someone’s day.

-It’s not rude to not answer someone on the internet

This one’s hard for me! But seriously. Especially the less well you know someone, the less you owe them dropping everything to craft a response of any flavor on demand. Try not to frame it as “ignoring someone speaking to your face” and look at it more as “ignoring someone shouting vaguely in your direction across a crowded room.” I’m bad at small talk, so my rule of thumb is if I don’t have anything in particular to add to a conversation, I just…. don’t. “I liked ur post” does not mandate any particular response.

-Therapists get paid

Therapy is hard, emotionally-draining work aand that is why therapists get paid to do it, and why they only do it in a very specific, limited context. When you engage in therapy as a friend, it should be as part of mutually beneficial relationship. Does this mean that 2 friends always get the same benefits out of a relationship or that 2 friends will always have the same amount of spoons to spend on a relationship at any given time? No. But over the span of years it should probably feel like it evens out.

In my personal experience, starting as someone’s free therapist doesn’t usually work out well in terms of friendship. It feels nice to be helpful, but it’s a weird power imbalance, and best case scenario you’re both eventually going to have to work out new ways to relate to each other. Worst case scenario, one or both people’s spoons drastically change and suddenly you CAN’T continue the current dynamic and nobody’s got a safety net interaction-style to fall back on.

-You can understand and empathize with a reaction without having to prioritize it

You mentioned a “terrible person reflex”. And god, I feel that.  But this is one of those areas where both of you have GOT to be aware of who is in charge of handling that reflex. (Hint: it is not you). It’s very similar to struggles with jealousy or any other cognitive distortion– they are real, painful emotions, but as distortions they are not based in reality. People outside your own brain can find some ways to provide reassurance, but they cannot manage them for you. Is there a way you can work out a ritualized shorthand for the long set of reassurances or nimble tap-dancing that it sounds like ensues from this reflex triggering? (Something like: “are we still friends?” “yep!”)

In particular, if you find that expressing a need/feeling leads to you setting that conversation aside for prolonged discussion of the other person’s needs or feelings THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY OR SUSTAINABLE PATTERN.

-Listen to your brain when it wants you to stop doing something that hurts

When you’re experiencing emotional overload, distress, or damage, a healthy brain is gonna take steps to protect you. That resentment?  That is your brain giving you armor.  That is emotional coping.

If you’re like me, and not always very tuned in to your own needs (I *can* so obviously I *should*).  Sometimes your brain will just scale up the shouting (”Seriously, Stop Doing the Thing”) until you have to acknowledge it. One example is the “bitch eating crackers” phenomenon, where your brain escalates resentment of a person to the point where even the way they eat crackers starts to bother you. “Look at that bitch sitting there eating crackers.” This is not a good place to be in in a relationship. Repression is not a sustainable interaction style in a relationship.

-People that love you want you to be happy

If you are unhappy, that is important. If your happiness requires you taking a step back, *even in a way that hurts the other person*, most of your friends will want you to take that step. Plus side: this means that sharing a relationship problem will trigger good friends’ protective problem-solving rather than defensiveness. Or at the very least you know what they would want for you if they were in a better place.

The corollary to this is, of course, people that don’t value your happiness are not worth pouring your emotional energy into.

-If you’re waiting for the Thing That Will Give You Permission to Leave, “I want to” is sufficient reason

I have to include this because it is so damn important.  Seriously.  If you want out of a relationship, this is your sign.  Go.

-Be aware that “do this or I’ll hurt myself” is also abuse

Also so damn important.  Threats of physical violence to coerce behavior are Not Good.  Run run run.

-You aren’t required to invest work in fixing a relationship, but if you DO  want to put it in, here are some quick thoughts:

  • Switch to only engaging in ways, frequencies, and topics that you find rewarding. (ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT. DESIST FROM EMOTIONAL SUPPRESSION.)
  • State your needs without feeling the required to offer detailed explanation or justification. (“I’m really stressed lately, so I need to only talk about casual things”)
  • Resist the urge to get drawn into guilt spirals.  (”I’m not mad” + restate need).
  • Resist engaging with stuff that violates boundaries you’ve communicated–just ignore and switch the topic. Redirect any too-heavy stuff to other channels. (“Sounds like you need a therapist to talk to”; “Ugh, that sounds stressful, hope you find someone that can help you through that”; “Sounds like something you two will need to work out together”; + TOPIC CHANGE).
  • Shift some of the relationship work to the other person, such as strategizing ways to balance conflicting needs.

Frankly what I’m hearing from you is “I want to stop” so…. yeah, you can stop.  Official Stranger On the Internet permission given.

ps, check out Captain Awkward’s tag on The African Violet of Broken Friendship, highly recommend.

Academic writing

terminalpolitics:

When you read articles and books and (God help us) philosophy directed at an academic audience, you might notice it’s often hard to know quite what the author is trying to say.

Usually, we declare this “bad writing” and move on, but “bad writing” serves a purpose. When an author makes their writing dense and hard to understand we shouldn’t assume it was just an accident. Most “bad” academic writing is intentionally inscrutable.

What purpose does bad writing serve in academic contexts?

1. If you make your writing hard to understand and pepper it with big words and flourishes, some readers will assume that they are struggling with the text because they aren’t “smart enough to get it.”
2. Making writing needlessly esoteric is a form of gatekeeping.
3. If the reader can’t be 100% sure of what you are saying, it makes it harder for them to rebut your argument.

If an idea could be presented in a clearer and more direct form, then when it is presented in a hazy and convoluted way we need to assume it is intentional – and we need to ask how does adding noise to the piece benefit the author?

Time and again, you will see torturous or opaque writing celebrated, but if you stripped it down to its basic message the content would be laughably banal.

Let us remember that “jargon” exists so that specificity and nuance can be increased between correspondents familiar with the terms involved. Jargon is meant to allow more precise communication. Too often, it is used to exclude people from dialogue or it is used to obscure meaning – as when an author coins a neologism that only he is allowed to define.

So next time you have a hard time with a text, ask “could this have been presented more clearly?”
If the answer is “yes” then follow-up by asking what purpose was served by muddying the writing? Was the author hiding a bad argument? A week idea? Was he trying to increase his cultural capital by looking “deep” – or was he trying to push people out of the discourse?

It isn’t enough to recognize that a lot of academic writing is bad writing, we need to recognize that a lot of bad writing is intentional and serves a hidden purpose.

Dude, they’re literally reporting it for the tons of child porn written on site that they actively allow there.

trinket-the-bear:

thebibliosphere:

Allow me to start of by saying, I in no way support, anyone or anything that promotes or endorses that kind of content. It makes me physically ill even knowing it exists.

There are however entire screeds in the Ao3 terms and services talking about what is and is not allowed on Ao3, and child porn is pretty high up the list of what Ao3 does not deem as okay.

I don’t doubt that there have been genuine incidences of inappropriate content, because this is the Internet and people are awful sometimes, but I also know that Ao3 does deal with people when they breach their terms of services, and they are swift about it. What they do not do is throw the baby out with the bathwater which is what this is, and I’m extremely wary of anyone who is in favor of mass censorship like a lot of “antis” are clamoring for.

I was your age during the fandom purges that went on in LiveJournal and Fanficnet, and this exactly is how we lost our fandom spaces before. It’s how we lost thousands and thousands of stories and writers and safe spaces that were in no way promoting that kind of content, but a select few people decided we were writing about “immoral things”, and do you know what those “immoral things” were? Being gay. Being anything other than what they deemed “normal”. Anything at all to do with sex was also removed regardless of context, anything tagged as “rape” was removed too, including forums set up to support survivors of assault. We were deleted without discrimination, or without proof of the validity of their claims.

And they used the same argument that they’re using now. They called it child porn and demanded that sites cater to children, even if those sites were never intended for a child audience.

They forced any and all LGBT+ content regardless of actual explicit material, onto NSFW sites intended for adults and kink, because that’s all we were to them. They made it less safe to talk to people and to spread awareness about certain issues, and to group together with people like ourselves.

So you’ll have to pardon me for being tired that this kind of thing is happening again because by and large for the most part, this is a puritanical witch hunt spun to sound like moral concern when really it’s another attempt at censorship because people don’t like something so they do the easy thing and cry “pedophile!” because they know it’s a real easy way to discredit someone and ruin their life. They know it, and they do it anyway, regardless of the harm it causes, or how it invalidates those of us who are actual victims of predatory adults. And yes, I speak from personal experience. And no I’d rather not to have to talk about it in public again.

I’ve been a minor in fandom. I know not everyone is as careful as me
about tagging my work and making sure no one under the age of 18 can
accidentally stumble onto my adult works.

I also know not all adults are good adults and you deserve to be protected from them. But I also know people making false claims to the FBI is not going to end well. For anyone.

And if it turns out Ao3 is actually investigated and found to be harboring such content, you can tell me I was wrong and I’ll gladly watch it burn. But I’ve seen this shitshow before, I know the tactics used, and I know it just opens up a whole other can of problems that we’re already seeing the effects of online and off and they are not easy to fight.

If any of this makes you uncomfortable with following me, you don’t have to reply, you can just block me and leave, as you should any other adult who makes you feel uncomfortable. You are in charge of your own online safety, and curating what you see on your dash. Take care of yourself and stay safe.

Adding onto what Joy said, because I have a very bad feeling about what the original asker thinks “child porn” is, and as I know a good deal about this from research back during Strikethrough:

There’s a stark difference between “child porn” in the legal sense and “written stories about an underage character having sex and/or being a victim of sexual trauma”.

Legally, and also from the moral standpoint that the ask attempts to invoke, child porn is visual live pornography of actual minors, ie photographs or videos of actual human children in sexual positions, which by its nature requires at least one actual human child to have been put in a sexual position, and therefore traumatized. Which is why child porn is so horrifying- because a child was literally deeply harmed to produce it. Writing about minors in sexual situations does not require any actual living underage human being to do anything at all, let alone be forced into sexual situations they aren’t ready for.

AO3 DOES NOT allow child porn, and if you find any, you should report it for TOS violations. AO3 DOES allow fanworks featuring various underage situations, regardless of whether these situations would be morally okay in real life. Because writing is NOT REAL LIFE, and with appropriate warning labels, written stories don’t hurt anyone.